What Will You Become
by afirebendingsnek
Summary: "What will you do when they catch you? What will you do if they break you? If you continue to fight, what will you become?" -Saw Gerrera In which Jyn deals with the aftermath of Scarif.


_What will you do when they catch you? What will you do if they break you? If you continue to fight, what will you become?_

Jyn wakes up screaming. She wants to cry, to throw up, to disappear. "I became a hero, Saw." She sobs, "I saved the rebellion, just like you raised me to do." She blinks until she can see her room and not the wave of rocks that was once Jedha.

She tries to slow her breathing as she pulls herself out of bed. She rubs her face, but she can't seem to stop crying. She sits at the table provided by the rebellion. They also provided her the room to live in. Same with the medals they decorated her with after they got back. The only thing they can't seem to provide is peace of mind. Or maybe stability. The chance the heal, she decides.

She doesn't even have anything left of Saw, or her father for that matter. "I'm so sorry, Saw. I'm so sorry I didn't say goodbye."

She bangs her fist on the table and sucks in air. And then she screams. Screams until her lungs burn with a fire that reminds her of the death star's beam. Screams until her throat is as dry as the sands of Jedha when the whole city turned to dust. Screams until she can't breathe anymore, till there are no more tears to cry. She screams until she chokes on the memories of her father. Not a bastard, not a traitor, but a prisoner. And that she didn't even try to save him. Didn't even care if he survived.

She runs her hands through her hair as she tries to steady her breathing. She then thanks the rebellion for making the walls soundproof, as much as they could anyway. She stands after a moment and wobbles to the counter to find water. She waits until her hand stops shaking enough so she can hold the bottle. She sets it back down and then decides to wash her face. Maybe she can wash away some of the guilt she carries. Or maybe she can finally swallow the fact that her father is dead and so is Saw, but that they didn't die in vain.

She thanks the force for allowing them to live. Though they're all broken now. Rogue One became grounded by Mon Mothma herself. But they're alive and she can still breathe. She can still fight, still hope.

She sits on the edge of the bed and stares at her hands for awhile. Or maybe it's only a moment. Memories flood over her regardless. She remembers holding her toys, her father, and the hatch. Opening a door to a world she never asked for. She wonders what would've happened if she had gone with them, with her father. Instead she remembers Saw. Remembers the lessons and the training and the killing. Fighting as a rebel, fighting for a cause. For a dream.

She remembers him leaving her and cursing him for everything he did to her. She remembers forgetting that she was his daughter. She looks at her hands as the hands that could've saved Saw. But instead they were the hands Cassian yanked and dragged her to safety with. Safety and peace that Saw and Galen both fought for every day of their lives and will never get to see.

She's snapped out of her thoughts by the knock at her door. She pulls herself up and opens the door, only to find Cassian and Bodhi. And then K-2SO stands behind them, along with Chirrut and Baze.

"I uh… I heard you screaming." Cassian says, "So I thought that I would come see if you were alright. But then I ran into Bodhi and he was up too and well- We all decided to come and see if we could do anything. But if you want space we can- we can leave you be."

She wants to cry again, but maybe this time it's happy. Her chest fills with warmth and she remembers that she still has a family. "No it's alright, you all can come in." She says, stepping past to let them all in. Everyone else goes in but before K2 does he stops in front of her.

She can never read his eyes, but he nods at her. "I never told you this, but thank you for saving me on Scarif. And for following the plan to broadcast the plans. Even though you had a very slim chance of success, about half a percent."

She blinks for a moment, and then smiles at him. "Thank you." Is all she can manage, and she hopes it's enough. All he does is nod, but it feels like a good response.

She closes the door and then turns to Rogue One. The ragtag team of the lost. None of them have a home now, so she decides they might as well make one with each other. "I don't have enough chairs for everyone, but everyone should be able to sit on the bed if you'd like." She gestures, climbing onto the bed herself.

They all follow suit. Cassian takes the side to her left, Bodhi her right. Baze and Chirrut sit together in front of her. K2 pulls a chair over and sits close to the edge of the bed.

"Are you alright?" Cassian asks.

"I think I will be." Is the only response she can come up with and takes his hand. Bodhi lays down beside her, resting his head on her leg.

"Amen to that." Baze responds, wrapping his arms around Chirrut and pulling him close.

"We are alive," Chirrut says, "The force has done that for us. I believe it is our job to do the rest."

"Saw said…" Jyn starts and then looks down. "Can I ask a question?"

Cassian squeezes her hand in response. "Of course, anything Jyn."

She takes a deep breath and with her eyes closed she sees Saw. Sees him smiling at her. Sees him question her about the rebellion, and her painful response. He asked her what she would become if she kept fighting. She did, and now she's here. She did what she had to, but isn't sure it's enough. She's not sure any of it will be enough to repay him.

"What did we become?" She asks, trying to sort out her thoughts.

"Survivors." Is Chirrut's response.

"Protectors." Is Baze's.

Bodhi's response is barely a whisper. "Rebels."

"An unexpected anomaly." Is K2's.

Cassian looks at her and smiles brighter than the death star's beam. "We became heroes, Jyn."

She nods slowly at his response, confirming what she hoped. She leans against him and puts her other hand on Bodhi's shoulder. "And what an unlikely pair of heroes we are."

Chirrut grins. "The best kind if you ask me."

She smiles back and lets out a sigh. _'I really did it Saw, I became a hero. I hope that is was enough. I hope you get to know that your death wasn't in vain,'_ she thinks. _'I didn't stop fighting, Saw. I found your plans, Papa. I'll keep fighting, for both of you. I'll make you proud.'_


End file.
